The Best Olympics Ever

Good Evening!

I've been absent for a few days, work has been hectic.
However, tonight; Housemate, Boyfriend and I have hit upon a bloody brilliant idea.

May I introduce you to:
The Apathetic Olympics.

Let's make this happen.

Basically the Apathetic Olympics will be full (except not really full, we're hoping for a relatively OK turnout) of AVERAGE people doing all the Olympic sports.

The tagline is: I Fucking Hate The Olympics.

It's the Olympics for people who hate the Olympics.

The interviews would be the best:

Interviewer: How much training was required?
Housemate: Well, I run for the bus sometimes and that gets me really out of breath.

The Apathetic Olympics could totally be a thing!
It also caused this spin-off conversation:

Housemate: Who the fuck is interested in the Discus? No one. But, if you tell people that they're all 'oh my god how can you not like the discus?' And I'm just like, oh I'm sorry I didn't know you subscribed to the Discus Channel. And! The fucking Javelin! Who does Javelining anyway? Like, what the fuck do they do to make money? Their sport is only paid attention once every four years, so how the fuck do they make money?

Boyfriend: They have sponsors-

Housemate: Who the FUCK would sponsor a Javelineer? What do you get from sponsoring a stick?

Me: It's like when you sponsor the WWF you get a car badge, except instead of 'I sponsor a Panda!' it's 'I sponsor a Javeliner!'

Housemate: Who the fuck would admit to that?!

...

So that was good, and can you imagine the other sports done by really average people? The diving for example would become lethal, the gymnastics would be people getting on the horse and just sitting there.
My favourite would be the Dressage.

Boyfriend: Can you picture the Dressage? They'd show up with a mangy old donkey or something.

Me: No, this is the Apathetic Olympics- they wouldn't even have a horse! They would show up in a really cheap Topman suit and just side step and hop round the arena.

Housemate: And if you can pick up the shot-put, you get an automatic medal and by medal, I mean rock.

The Apathetic Olympics is totally a thing.

Calories:
7/08- 849
8/08- 682
9/08- 1000
10/08- 833
11/08- 1156
12/08- 808
13/08- 726

However, as a complete sidenote, as you can see calorie-wise I've been doing rather well (if I do say so myself) workout-wise has been good too, out of 13 days I exercised 9. So yeah, not 100% but that's still ok. The past two days I haven't done any but I've been fairly active at work, lifting, carrying, today was painting and I was knackered after that.
So this is a rant about all of the above and losing ONE WHOLE FUCKING POUND.
That's it.
One measly bloody pound. Oh well.

The Story of the Time Housemate's Poodle Went Crazy (that isn't a euphemism)

Ok, ok so I missed yesterday's post- but in my defence we did an eleven and a half hour shift, had dinner at my parents, got home at 10.30 and went straight to bed. Because we're rockstars like that.

However, nothing happened yesterday so I won't bore you with it.
Instead I'll tell you about the time my house mates poodle went insane.

My house mate has a poodle. An apricot poodle at that (henceforth known as Poodle, because the more you say that word that more ridiculous it sounds. Honestly, try it. Poodle. Poodle. Poooooodle. Ridiculous.)
Housemate's birthday and mine are on the same day and we had had a party over the weekend and put up happy birthday banners in the living room, one was on the wall behind the couch.

So Housemate and Poodle are sitting on the couch when Poodle happens to look over her shoulder and spot the banner (it had been there for four days, but whatever), she does the world's slowest double take and twists her whole head round to look at the banner.

Like the guy on the right:

She stares at this banner for about three straight minutes, shaking. Housemate and I are cracking up because she's clearly gone crazy and then she starts to growl at the banner. She keeps looking forward trying to act normal, but then keeps whipping her head back around to make sure the banner hasn't crept up on her. 

Like this:

Except the Chihuahua looked like this:

Our Poodle doesn't look like this one, even though she should, because this one is awesome and needs its own show.

And the Pitbull looked like this:

And that's the story of the time Housemate's Poodle went crazy. 

Calories:

5/08- 934

6/08- 870

 Images (because this bitch don't steal without giving credit):

Now I have tried linking the pictures back to where I got them from, but in case that doesn't work, I'll put the links here, that way I'm definitely not stealing. I think. Linking people to where I got them from is what I'm supposed to do right?

Act natural: www.theentertainingelf.com/animals/act-natural/

Poodle: www.shutterstock.com/pic-56731132/stock-photo-apricot-poodle-puppy-portrait-on-a-white-background.html

Happy Birthday: www.partysuppliesnow.com.au/view-product/60/153/Large-Happy-birthday-banner?PHPSESSID=4a757fb7261f9b8f7cda56f11b0dc9b1

My Slow Way of Killing Myself

Today has been completely unremarkable.
So I thought I would share with you my new fitness thing that I'm trying.

Basically, I trying to do a lot of toning exercises because I don't want to be skinny (what would I do without boobs?). But I would like to tone and get a bit fitter- I'm trying to remain realistic, I'm not a sporty person and I'm never going to look like a model, but there are places that just don't need to wobble the way they do.
So every other day I'm trying to do this:

L and R mean left and right, and F means forward. So when I do left and right crunches I'm doing to side muscles of my stomach and the forward do the ones right on the front.

Butt lifts are where you lie on the floor and crotch thrust yourself to the sky.

Tail lifts (I think the proper name is a reverse crunch) is where you lie on your back bring your legs up 90 degrees from the floor and 'lift' your butt up, by bringing your knees into your chest, it does the bottom part of your stomach. 

Bicycle crunches were made by the Devil, these are where you lift your legs 90 degrees from the floor, put your fingertips behind your ears, go into a crunch and then bring your elbows forward to meet your opposite knee. So Right elbow to left knee, but you maintain the crunch the hole time, you just sort of swing from side to side. They are painful! But I could only do 40 of them 5 days ago now with a little break in between (for a burst of cardio) I can do another 40.

In case you don't now, burpees are where you put your hands on the floor (into a crouch), kick your legs out behind you (so you're in a press up position) then jump your legs back into the crouch, then jump up to a standing position, and repeat- I hate these.

Now the cardio. I don't have a treadmill and the very thought of running in public makes my all squiffy. So I do skipping on the spot (no rope just literally jumping up off the ground a few inches and making the arm motions). It sounds stupid yes, but try it, you will be breathing hard after a minute or two.

The other thing I do to really ramp up the heart rate is butt kicks. It's jogging on the spot but you kick your feet really high behind you and- kick yourself in the butt. Again it sounds silly but it really gets your sweating and your heart pounding and that's what I'm going for. 

A lot of these exercises I picked up from the Jillian Micheals 30 Day Shred. 

You like the way it looks like her crotch is glowing?

Which I'm doing on the days I'm not doing the written exercises. It. Is. HARD. Ok? It is really hard, but it's fantastic, it's circuit training and each circuit lasts six minutes. 

A circuit is made up of:

• 3 minutes strength (press ups, lunches, squats) but she combines that with other things, so you'll go into a squat but you'll be throwing punches as well, to work out your whole body.
• 2 minutes of cardio (jumping jacks, skipping, butt kicks)
• 1 minute of abs (crunches, side crunches, tail lifts, bicycle crunches)

And each 6 minute minute set is comprised of different strength, cardio and abs workouts, the total workout lasts 30 minutes with warm up and cool down. You do each workout for 30 seconds, which is why I love this. If you really struggle with one of the exercises, you're only doing for 30 seconds.

I am so lazy it's silly, but even I can find 30 minutes in my day to do this, I won't believe anyone that says they can't.  

So, the other thing I was going to briefly mention today, is why I decided to start this thing. 

I was fed up with making excuses, I've never been happy with the way I look and I've been meaning to start a blog for ages, originally it was going to be a beauty blog (with the amount of beauty crap I own, I figure I should use it for something), and I'm planning on including some of that later on.

But yes, I was making excuses for why I couldn't exercise, or go on a diet, and I'm the kind of person that if I don't tell anyone that I'm going on a diet- I will cheat and it won't matter because no one will be any the wiser.

But this way, I've told everyone, I'm putting it out here and holding myself accountable for making changes in my own life, rather than keep hoping they just happen.

Blah blah blah, meaningful bullshit goes here. I'll leave you now.

03/08 Calories- 705.

04/08 Calories- 722. 

Gross Things

Today's' little adventure is sponsored by What The Hell? and Kill It! Kill It With Fire!

A couple of weeks ago I noticed Boyfriend and I were getting a few tiny beetles in our bedroom, I didn't think much of it, until I noticed that there were more and more and more of them every day.
I pointed them out the Boyfriend and he said:
"Ok, this weekend we'll strip everything out of the room and clean and vacuum everywhere."

He. Wasn't. Kidding.

We emptied the wardrobes (which go the full length of the room) and vacuumed them out. We emptied our chest of drawers and moved them so we could vacuum behind them and under them. We emptied the Ottoman (thing we keep all the spare bedding in) and vacuumed it and under it. We emptied our bedside tables, moved them and vacuumed behind and under them.

We moved the fucking bed, this was a clean-up of nuclear waste proportions.

As a side note, everything on Boyfriends side i.e. carpet, bed, his furniture, was way dirtier than mine and he tells everyone that I'm the grubby one? Don't think so!

The mortifying bit and I mean mortifying, said in a fake Dracula voice and everything, was when we found out where the beetles were coming from.

We have a dog (Henceforth known as Dog) and when you give him treats he hides them, he doesn't eat them, he wanders around the house crying his little heart out trying to find somewhere safe to store them (usually the middle of the floor).

However long ago, Dog must have been given a really big chew as a treat and decided to hide it up the corner of Boyfriend's side of the bed, to the side of his bedside table. Where eventually it got covered up by Boyfriend's Loaded mags (no, I won't take that bit of information down Boyfriend). Where it got forgotten by everyone, Dog included.

When Boyfriend moved the magazines I heard this:
"Oh. Fuck. Err, Steph I know where the beetles have come from."

I go over to look, and there's this chew- crawling, no- crawling, with beetles, there were hundreds of them, they'd eaten holes through it, so it looked like it had been a victim in a really tiny drive-by. They were all over the carpet and they'd invited some silverfish to the party as well.
It was awful! I feel like a veteran of a really weird war.

So yes! That's how I spent my Saturday, and if you'll excuse me, I have to go burn my skin off.

But before I do, look at all the crap we threw out today;

A Quiet Day

Well.
Today was rather uneventful.

Although I did go to the aquatic shop and then go back home to realise I had forgotten my house keys, went back to mums where I'd left them and realise I hadn't bought enough plants from the shop and have to go back to the shop, then back home.

Then it was time to go pick up Boyfriend from work and quite frankly that was just enough for one day.

Yesterdays calories: 800.


P.S. I chuckle at stuff like this for much longer than is socially appropriate.

You're welcome world. You're welcome. 

A Fishy Idea

Let me set a bit of background for you before I start telling you about today’s really excellent choice. When I start a project I think all the eventualities through and I plan around them, I get it all figured out in my head and I make contingency plans, y’know- just in case.

Then I start my project.

And quickly realise that I haven’t thought it out at all and everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. That’s what happened today when I decided to install an external filter on my fish tank. Simples.

No, not simples. Really fucking awkward actually.

I have my tanks across two TV stands that fit flush against the wall. And the tank in question is in the middle of one of these stands, my original plan was to cut holes in the side of the hood to fit the filter pipes through. This is where it started getting tricky, my mum actually came round to give me a hand and we convinced ourselves that if we tried cutting the hood the plastic would shatter and I would have to buy a new hood.

So, we figured lets pull the TV stand forward and drop the filter behind it. Now there are several issues with this, all of which we discussed and came up with answers to. Problems in normal, answers in italics:

1.     1.   Behind the stand I won’t be able to reach the filter to check or change anything.

Pull the drawer out of the TV stand, get on your tummy and just reach forward.

2.       2. The pipes aren’t long enough for the filter to go on the floor.

Prop it up on something for now and get longer pipes later.

3.       3. The pipes are too short to the point that they won’t go through the pre-cut holes on the back of the hood.

Coffee? Coffee sounds good.

This is where I was at the point of giving up but Mum was all “let’s just think it through, there’s got to be some way of doing it”.

So I said “Fine! Let’s just stick it at the side.”

The fish at this point had been in 2 inches of water for about an hour and a half while we arsed about moving the TV stand, because I don’t remove tanks and then move the furniture they’re on, I take a shitload of water out and then break my back shifting the furniture while praying I don’t damage the seals of the tank.

To put the filter at the side of the tank, the tank needed to be moved about five inches nearer to the edge of the stand, otherwise the pipes would be too bent to work. Enter the next problem: I put neoprene under the corners of the tank so there was some cushioning, the neoprene had stuck to the top of the stand.

However, this was cured quite quickly by my getting a pair of scissors, opening them, putting the point of one blade under a corner of the tank and levering them up and down until the neoprene came unstuck, so we could move the tank! Huzzah!

This, leads me to the problem that made us say no to putting the filter on the side in the first place: cutting the holes.

I phone Boyfriend, who tells me I can use his drill to drill lots of holes, which I can then saw through (rather than trying to saw through the solid plastic, which I imagined would be really, really ridiculously hard).

I mark out some holes and start drilling! Five holes in the battery dies so I have to wait thirty minutes for it to charge up. At this point I think I better put some water back in the tank, otherwise my fish are going to turn slightly more amphibian-like.

Once the battery is charged and I’ve drilled the holes I have to then saw through the bits of plastic still there, I do the one hole absolutely fine, then I finish the second hole, which Mum looks at and says

“You know you’ve missed all the holes right? You’ve just sawn straight through the solid bit of plastic next to them.”

Turns out plastic is really easy to saw and sometimes your first idea is your best idea.

Total calories yesterday: 845. 

My Version of an Introduction

Hi!

Welcome to my little corner of the web.

It involves sarcasm, sexual innuendo, swearing and a template from Blogger because I have no idea how to design my own.

It is about all the excellent (sarcasm starts now), life choices that I make on a day to day basis. It's also going to include or link to (or just plain include because I don't know how to link) things that interest me and other things that I do (I write, like, stories and stuff, and I make my own nail polish even though I've got glitter supply issues at the moment- first world problems people).

The purpose of this is to hopefully make a few people laugh and to give myself reminder's that I have life goals. 

My first really excellent life choice is to go on a proper diet and exercise regime, because I want to be healthy and not get out of breath running up stairs. 

That's a lie, I want to look nice in a bikini; screw health, I'm all about vanity. 

I'm going to eat much smaller portions, stop snacking in between meals and exercise like a Boss. Now later on I will add a picture of myself so you can get a real feel for what me 'exercising like a Boss' will look like. 

(Hint: Not at all Boss like).

I'm going to be updating this briefly everyday with calories and exercise done, but I won't get preachy about how good I'm feeling and all the positive energy. 

Because we all know it's bollocks.

So class, I will conclude today with a summary:

Life Choice 1: Get toned before my holiday, because we're in a hotel, not a private villa and I can't wobble in a bikini in front of strangers.